i stole a phrase from the media supplement of the guardian. in a list of advertising phrases which no-one outside of advertising would know was the phrase 'Two Cs in a K.' i used it as a name to record music under. in early 2003 i went to a party, at which my beard was shaved. earlier in the evening i had been discussing my music-making, when a young stanger piped up; 'Two Cs in a K? that's a great phrase'. he explained: 'in advertising there are certain golden situations, where the commercial achieves perfect harmony. if one man is drinking in a bar, he is lonely. if two men are drinking in a bar, they are gay. but if three men are drinking in a bar, that is good - they're just a bunch of mates out for a night on the town. similarly, when women are shown in a kitchen, there will always be two - they're bosom buddies setting the world to rights, an ad-man's feisty dream - or, in industry slang, two cunts in a kitchen.' since that day, i haven't had my hair cut.
twocsinak@cleancutrecords.co.uk
discography
individual releases:
various cassettes and CDRs on Shallow Mathematics, in limited runs of
2 to 25.
tracks on compilations:
CCT001 - "the girl who
wanted to draw cats" on "cut your teeth" on clean cut
records
FLR005 - "tender
prunes (feat. teddy upskin)" on "jetsam & flotsam"
on float records
20 facts about Twocsinak (facts # 2, 7, 11, 12, 17, 18 and 20 are now slightly out of date. they will not be updated.)
1. I was born on the same date as the poet/painter
William Blake, and in the same place as PJ Harvey.
2. I am currently studying
Graphic Design at the same university that The Aphex Twin dropped out of, and
live in the town where 'The Good Life' was set. My house grows mould in winter,
and in summer plays host to colonies of silverfish.
3. I was Swimmer of the
Year at Wareham & District Swimming Club in 1991.
4. The first band I was
in featured The Knowledge of Bugs on drums, and a classically-trained pianist
called Jonny. The band split up after an argument about They Might Be Giants.
Jonny now works in a mental hospital.
5. I did a month's work experience at
Saatchi & Saatchi, and stole a huge pile of their headed notepaper. During that
period I met DJ Plus One of the Scratch Perverts, and made him sign a photo of
a penis.
6. I am six foot five, and therefore play the bass guitar, despite
having certificates which say I am Grade 6 on the violin, Grade 7 on the piano
and Grade 4 at ballet. Perhaps because of my height, I have an unnatural obsession
with famous porgs (ie. Persons Of Restricted Growth, such as midgets and dwarfs),
and could tell you the name of the only surviving Oompa Loompa (he's called Rusty
Goffe).
7. I thought Siobhan was the best one out of the Sugababes, but she
left after their first album.
8. When I was eleven I co-wrote a competition-winning
Christmas song which was subsequently arranged for full orchestra and choir. The
follow-up song (by the same writing team) was included on a compilation cassette
for the charity Barnardo's. Both of the songs were appalling, and the lyrics were
mostly written by my mother.
9. A year before the launch of the Toyota Previa
I had a dream which outlined all of its major design features.
10. Over the
last few years I have been a member of a funk band called The Sophie Hare Scratch
Orchestra, a noise outfit called Commodore 64 Pensioner Teadance and a heavy metal
ensemble called Steamboat Shipman. It is unlikely that you have heard of any of
these, and you should count yourself lucky that this is the case.
11. I went
to school with Christopher Reeve (not the crippled Superman actor), was on an
Art foundation course with James Dean (not the leather-clad rebel icon) and am
currently at University with Robert Williams (not the fat-faced teen-pop drug-hoover).
My name is Joseph Howard Grounds, and I don't share it with anyone famous.
12. I play records at a club night called Chris James, under the name DJ Sarah
Wilson; the guy I organise it with, on the other hand, plays as DJ Neil Wilson.
All of these names were stolen from our friends, without their permission.
13. I once walked into the bedroom of one of my friends to find him engaged in
mutual fellatio with a girl who I had a crush on.
14. I make music on a PowerBook
with seven distinct fatal hard disk errors, but have no sampler or sequencer,
and only one microphone; before I got the microphone, I recorded everything through
headphones. I am a Luddite. Previous tracks I have made have used recordings of
a telephone book, an apple and a loaf of bread, fireworks, a bicycle, a toaster,
some baked beans, an electric fire and the sound of me pissing onto a flaming
copy of The Face. I am a Luddite who likes Matmos.
15. The first time I saw
'Cool Runnings' (starring the late John Candy) I cried.
16. I am moderately
scared of circus performers, and had a very bad experience in a shopping centre
when my route to Littlewoods was blocked by mentally handicapped people dressed
as clowns. As a result, I had to take a short cut through Top Shop, and look like
a curmudgeonly charity-avoiding bastard.
17. My only proper musical release
to date is a sixty minute cassette called 'Cow Skin At A Sick Town'. I recorded
all twenty-three copies myself on one tape player, and it took two whole days.
There will be no more copies.
18. I recently spoke to Liza (son of Jimmy)
Tarbuck in the bar at the Royal College of Art. She told me that pain in the lower
back is related to money worries.
19. Whenever I masturbate, I emit a small
fart just before orgasm. I was worried for a long time that the same thing would
happen during sex, but was pleased to eventually find out that this phenomenon
is restricted to my solo pursuits.
20. I know almost all of the two-letter words that are playable in Scrabble.